I don't have much time, but I wanted to take two seconds to write a quick blog. Writing is normally how I deal. It is how I cope, and I've done very little of it throughout this entire process. While I highly doubt my available time will increase in the future, I know I will always go back to my roots and what grounds me.
This time in my life, we'll say from January forward has been interesting and life changing. I once told someone that I felt like I was living out the Robert Frost poem, "The Road Not Taken". There was a professor that once said, if you think this poem is one that ends happily, or the narrator is rejoicing that he didn't take the other road; you are sadly mistaken. He is looking back with regret at what his life would have been had he taken the other road. For me, I was at a clear, very distinct cross road in the middle of April. I had a choice to make. Several actually. I had to choose where my life was going and what I wanted the most.
I believe it is rare to actually be able to know when you are at the fork in the road. Generally you just know things are changing, or if you choose to do something, it could make your life different. Rarely do you understand completely that if I take this road, my life will be this and if I take this road, my life will be that. The two roads will never merge. I will never be back in this exact moment where I am now. The road I choose, will have it's own twists and turns and further forks, that will take me even farther from this moment. Somehow I was able to recognize that moment, that choice, and this decision did not come easily.
There are people in my life I cannot imagine living without day-to-day, and I think the closer the end got, the more I wanted to cling to them. I didn't want things to be different. I didn't want to let go. Still, I had to cut the cord so to speak. As I look around tonight, my last night in the house I've called home for several years now, and whose walls have witnessed so many life altering moments; I'm feeling strong in my choice. No, my house isn't packed ... not completely (sorry, Laura). I've put it off to the last possible moment, and I will probably be up all night long. There have been points throughout this process, up until even a week ago, where even I didn't believe I'd leave. I kept giving myself an "out" in my mind. The reasons I could choose to stay. Still, I gradually kept boxing things up until I realized, there was no turning back -- I had nothing left in my house. Nothing to cook on. No plates or silverware left undone. All my books are securely wrapped in boxes. I've done some twenty loads of laundry, trying to decide what we'll need immediately, and what can wait. Whether I had made a conscience decision of which road to take or not, my feet started traveling down one.
Maybe I will look back one day with regret at the road not taken. Who knows what will happen in the coming weeks, months and years that will shade and color my experiences, my choices. I have to believe in my heart and soul that we make decisions with the information we have on hand, and at the end of the day, we have to stand beside those decisions; no matter what 20 / 20 hindsight we receive later. While I am sad to leave those I love most in this world, I know that at this moment in my life; going to Oklahoma is the best choice I could make for myself and my family. I appreciate those that have stood beside me and loved me despite my break downs, my change of heart, the moodiness, the brutal honesty at times when I should have held my tongue and have allowed me to experience all the highs and joys that go along with something as monumental as what I'm facing -- both personally and academically. This year alone has shaped me, formed me and changed me more than any other in my entire life. I am indebted to a lot of people for the hugs, love and support I've received. I know what I'm doing and I know what choice I'm making. I've seen the speed bumps and pot holes that could lay ahead, and I still wouldn't have it any other way. The people in my life have given me the confidence and the love to stand by my choice and I'm thankful for that.
Love,
The Rambling Gypsy
Love,
The Rambling Gypsy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzUm0wqhE7E
