What do you or I or anyone say when they find out one of their best friends is getting married? Of course there is the obvious, "Congratulations," but after that has been said, then what? This engagement was not wholly unexpected, in fact, it has been talked about off and on since September, even though they only started dating in July. I find myself at a crossroads: one road makes me protective, wanting to shield this young 22 year-old girl from making the same mistakes I did, and the other wants to be nothing but happy for her and pray she knows what she's doing more than I give her credit for. What do I say?
Looking back on my own marriage at the tender age of 18, there are times I wish someone would have sat me down and said, "You don't have to do this, you know?" My daughter was born in November of the previous year, and I had been brought up in a Christian home. I had already broken the rules, in more ways than one, and it was time to make things right. No-one ever told me I didn't have to go through with it, or that I had another choice. Nine years later, I look back on that time both with fondness and disbelief. There is something to be said for not having a clue what you're taking on, or how big of a commitment marriage actually is. Neither of us had any idea what it meant to put someone else first or that forever meant, well, forever. Often times it doesn't. On New Years Eve this year we had the conversation that had been coming for months, hell, truth be told, years; somewhere along the way we had become friends and stopped being husband and wife. Maybe we never had been. Maybe we should go ahead and divorce? We weren't miserable, nor do we hate the other person. We still live together. Our relationship is complicated, but aren't they always in some form or fashion? Nine years later and I'm not as naive as I was at 17 years old. Nor do I believe in fairy tales anymore. The only shoe that can change a girls life is the one found in a department store. That is the reality no-one could have told me or convinced me of nine years ago.
While I type this, my son half wakes from his sleep and cuddles up next to me. He is now my cuddle partner in a king size bed that feels even bigger. I sing along to Betty Soo in the background and tell him, "I would learn how to fly if it meant I could stay by your side forever / and I would swim to distant lands if it meant / I would find you when my fingers reach the sand." He smiles in his sleep and I know he is comfortable and feels safe here with me. Nothing warms my heart like placing my fingers in his palm, and his grasping them like he did when he was an infant; he is now five. If their dad and I did nothing else right, we knocked this one out of the park; our two children are amazing. I would do it all over again to have my children, to love them, to know them and watch them grow. It is in watching my son that I know I have the answer for my friend, even though the answer is actually for myself. I now know what to say.
You have so much life ahead of you, and no, I don't think you know yourself -- yet. Still, you are beautiful and brilliant. To think you are incapable of deciding who you want to love or who you want to try and make a life with is to take away everything that I love about you. It is not my place or anyone else's to rain on your parade. Marriage won't be easy, but it's not impossible. There will be something you will learn, multiple things actually and the gifts you will take away from the time spent (if there is an "away") will be worth the experience -- whether those gifts are children or just a better understanding of your self. You will make a beautiful bride.
That is all I know to say.
Love,
The Rambling Gypsy
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