Change . . .

Percy Shelley once said: "It is the same!--For, be it joy or sorrow, / The path of its departure still is free: / Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow; / Nought may endure but Mutability." 

I read that poem several years ago in one of my English classes and it quickly became a favorite. There was something about it I understood innately. Okay, maybe the poem wasn't the most cheerful in the world, but change or mutability, is the only constant in life, which is amusing in itself. Over the years, I have referred to "Mutability" and tonight, I find myself once again turning to its words.  

This afternoon I did one of the hardest things a parent will ever have to do: I told my nine year-old daughter her father and I were divorcing. Her large green eyes looked up at me and filled with tears. "Why?" she asked me. I stroked her head and wiped away her tears, all while trying to come up with an answer. "Sometimes baby, things just don't work out how we want them too. Nothing changes though. You are still the most important thing in my entire world. Your daddy and I love you more than anything." I proceeded to tell her that she could be angry or sad or whatever she wanted to be; she was allowed to feel whatever she wanted. 

In her childlike innocence, she asked me was I happy with this choice? I told her yes. I have no regrets. Truth be known, this divorce would have happened years ago, had the children not been involved. We wanted it to work for them. I wanted it to work for them. There comes a point when you realize you are banging your head against a brick wall every single day of your life, and you can either continue to do so, or you can back away from the wall. The wall isn't moving -- only you can. Still wanting to explain to her why I was walking away from my marriage, I told her she didn't have to understand right now and she quickly cut me off, and said, "But I do understand, mommy. It just makes me a little sad is all." Right then my heart broke in two. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sure her heart never breaks because of me again, but I know that is a futile attempt, as surely it will at some point.

Love, 

The Rambling Gypsy