No good, horrible, very bad day . . .

Technically, this no good, horrible, very bad day was yesterday and it is now over. Tonight I got home late around 11 p.m. from a class and walked into my room. The best sight in the world was seeing my little boy cuddled with my pillow. Laying down next to him, I held his hand while he slept and listened to him breathe. All while rubbing my empty hand over my new sheets. The other day I bought some new Egyptian cotton sheets, and they are incredibly soft, if I do say so myself. The sheets are just part of a week full of changes, but I like them and I'm adjusting. Still, coming home and laying next to him and allowing my eyes to shut made it easy to put a very bad day at bay. Nothing else mattered right then. 

I wish I could explain why the day was so awful, but that's for me to know and deal with on my own. It was funny actually because after an incident thing this morning, I logged onto FB and deleted the post that displayed my blog from last night. I didn't want it to be accessible, as I've pretty much kept my blog under wraps until that post. I felt like I had been open, maybe too open with what I was beginning to think or feel and how I see the world right now. All I wanted to do was wrap myself back in my self protective cocoon and shut it all off. That worked for a little bit. I called into work, as I wasn't feeling well anyways, and then I laid down to sleep. Nothing changed while I was sleeping, but I woke-up knowing I had to push forward with my day; the chips will fall where they may.  

Then later this afternoon I regretted taking down the post. I realized that was my m.o. -- I run. Something starts going a little bit haywire and I jump ship. Things aren't always going to be exactly what I want them to be, when I want them to be, but that doesn't mean they don't have the possibility to work out. There are multiple people in my life that expect me to run or give up or believe that eventually something will be too much for me. My leaving will then prove what they already suspect about people in general and that the only person one can depend on is themself. Well, I'm still here. I was able to put my big girl panties on and deal with it, and I didn't break -- even though I wanted to briefly. 

I wish sometimes there was a way to shine a mirror onto my heart or soul or hell even my brain so what I'm thinking would be evident and clear. My reason for wishing I could do this, is I've realized over the past few days that what I thought was obvious or understood is anything but obvious or understood. For all the progress I thought I had made in being open; I realize there is so much left to do. Will it change anything right now if I lay it all on the line? Probably not, but it might change it later. If nothing else it will open up the communication fully, so that where I stand is known. Most issues could be avoided if communication were properly used, but instead, it's easier to reach down into ourselves, get lost in our own head and ignore the fact that sometimes we hurt the people we love when we fail to tell them everything. 

I have one regret from the past two weeks and considering everything I could regret -- that is nothing. It actually comes down to this exact topic. I was asked at two points in particular that I can recall if I had something I wanted to say? I said no. That was a lie. I just wasn't ready to say what I was thinking. Maybe it worked out best that way. Maybe if I had, things would have gone in an unrecoverable direction because it would have been too soon. It is impossible to explain what I consider a gravitational pull or even comparing something to a religion, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.

Sometimes things happen too fast, and it is necessary to pull back on the reins just a little. Take the time to adjust. Allow the heart, mind and the physical to catch up to the same place. That isn't an overnight thing. Something that initially feels so intense and like it must be acted on immediately, has the potential to fizzle out the fastest if not properly honed. I'm beginning to understand that anything worth having is worth being patient for. I know how I feel or I know what I think, but that doesn't mean that someone else knows those things. Therefore patience is paramount in allowing the timing to catch up so it has a chance to thrive. The only thing I know to compare this situation to is a bloom on a flower.

The flower starts off as a bud, tight, unopened and it's not fragrant yet. Eventually it begins to open. As its petals expand, the flower opens to reveal a beautiful center; it's heart. The flower begins to release its perfume and for a moment in time, you have something beautiful and amazing. One might argue this is an awful analogy because flowers die. No, flowers die when they are plucked from the earth. When they are cut from their stem. When their life source is taken away -- that is when flowers die. As long as their roots are firmly planted in the ground or they remain attached to their stem; they remain alive. This is the beginning of the flower. We are each others roots to the past, the present and possibly the future. The possibility is there to blossom, to grow and to produce new life. This isn't a race, and I don't want it to crash and burn because we put Miracle-Gro on the flowers and tried to rush the process before they were ready. I may not have always been patient, but I'm learning to become so. It's worth it to see the full bloom in the end.

Love, 
The Rambling Gypsy